Friday, August 24, 2012

House Hunters International

I'm going to warn you at the outset of this post that it's not a happy post. It's angry. I'm gonna be a real angry bitch about some things here in a minute, and I might use some bad words while I describe those things.

If you're in the mood for that, read on. People think I'm funny when I'm mad sometimes. 

Alternately, if you aren't in the mood to be brought down and/or totally "bummed" by what will surely be a righteous display of petty anger, I invite you to go look at pictures of kittens instead. 

Here's a link: KITTEH!

For those of you not in kitten wonderland, here we go. 


I don't watch a lot of TV. Not because I'm making some kind of nonsense stand against television, but simply because I don't have a lot of time. Still, I often find myself in the proximity of an electrified television, so I catch bits and pieces of different shows. 

My wife, being a wonderfully savvy person when it comes to making our home not look like the hobo-shanty that my presence usually engenders in a domicile, watches a lot of HGTV. She likes watching houses be remodeled, repainted, redesigned, rewhatever. 

Sometimes, in the course of that, I wind up catching snippets of a show called House Hunters International. 


House Hunters International is a show featuring wealthy people from the US (perhaps Canada as well, I'm not sure) that are shopping for a home abroad. 

To be frank, the entire thing scares the shit out of me. Not because it has any frightening content, but because I worry that people in other countries, or of other cultures, might somehow watch this show and get it in their collective heads that all americans are like the insufferable buttholes featured on the show. 


Realtor: So tell me your story. 

Husband: Well, it started in 2008. I worked in a giant corporation back then. I forget what I was doing -- most likely some bullshit that any marginally talented person could do -- but whatever it was, I was making about a bajillion dollars a day and they decided to move it overseas. And my wife-

Wife: Hel-

Husband: Shut the fuck up. And my wife works on the internet. So, with us both being self-indulgent twats, we figured we'd just uproot our ten children and move them to a new country where they have no friends and no hope of ever making friends because they don't speak the language. But fuck it, the people in these other countries should speak english anyway, amiright? 

Wife: We think people that don't speak english are totally gross. 

Husband: Totally. 

Realtor: And what kind of experience are you looking for living in another country? 

Husband: Essentially we want something that's exactly like America, but in another country so we can sound worldly to our hipster friends.

Realtor: That happens to be my specialty! 


Realtor: So this is a place that exactly matches your budget, location, and layout preferences as specified in your application. What do you think? 

Wife: I think I saw a brown person on the street outside. Brown people are gross.

Husband: Yeah, I saw that guy too, honey. (To Realtor:) How many of those...brown...people can we expect to see hanging around here. 

Realtor: About a million, you'd be living in their country.

(At this point, the husband begins to cry, sobbing loudly and punching his own knees.)

Husband: That won't work. Fix it! Fix it! 

Realtor: But, keep in mind, it has four bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. 

Wife: We require one bathroom per person. Sometimes the kids like to flush the toilets for fun. We think the sound of the water soothes them, but who can be sure? Their father and I don't speak with them because we're too busy pursuing our adult manbaby/womanbaby dreams to pay too much attention to them. Did I mention I work on the internet? 

Realtor: So I heard. What do you do on the internet? 

Wife: I'm a consultant. 

Realtor: For what are you consulted? 

Wife: I don't know.


According to my stats, I have 2 readers from other countries. Both of you are probably spammers, but I don't care: please spread the word that not all of us are like these tools. We are, however, imprisoned amongst them and thereby worthy of your pity and or sympathy. Send help.



  1. This describes so many HGTV shows... There's another one, about people who are looking to buy a new place. It usually goes like this:

    Wife: "We're a white trash but middle-class family looking to buy a new home because I just don't like this one anymore and my friend just got a new home so I want one bigger than hers."

    Realtor: "So, what are you looking to spend, and what kinds of amenities are we searching for?"

    Wife and/or Husband: "We want a castle with two pools, a billiard room, five bedrooms, four bathrooms, a kitchen, and a five-acre yard for about, oh, $30,000."

    Realtor: "Well, let's see what we can do!"


    Realtor: "Soooo, here's the first house..."


    Realtor: "6.8 million."

    Wife: "WHAT?! We said $30k!"

    Realtor: "Yeah, but the amenities you described cost $6.8 million. $30k gets you a year's rent in a hobo house. Deal with it."

    Wife: "Waaaaahhhhh!" ::throws fit::
    Husband: "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO US! You're LYING! This one guy found a house like this once, and he only got it for $40K! You're a bad realtor!"


    I'm telling you, it's chick drama for those who can't stand Lifetime Network movies.

    1. Dead on. The arrogance is just incredible.

      I'd like to see a show called "Realistic Expectations," where contestants shop reasonably priced apartments where horrible things have happened.

      "Here's your apartment. It has room for all of your kids, but a priest died on the toilet and we think it might be haunted."

      *Sigh* "I'll take it."